Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Jobs For France

You can't please everyone, but Lord knows we try our best. When the French said, "We refuse to go to war." We said "Fine. We don't need to take an accordian out deer hunting, anyway." And everyone was happy.

Or so we thought. Now the French are whining and complaining again. "Boo hoo hoo," they said,"we're relevant! We want to play a role in the reconstruction of Iraq!" So, like the frazzled parent of a tantrumming child in the candy aisle we roll our eyes and give them what they want.

Although, as the following Alliance members show, perhaps not quite exactly what they want...
(click the links for the full entries, and remember to set down your beverage before doing so):

John of Johnalism (Jan 23, CTRL+F "precision"): "French military experts will be in charge of the Iraqi Olympic Track and Field team: teaching the athletes to run away from, and faster than, their opponents."

Gary of The Owner's Manual: "Find out from Iraqis how to survive a heat wave."

hM of homicidalManiak: "as members of the Official Uniform Functionability Committee™ their job would be, not to critique the uniforms as they smoke and drown themselves in wine, but to dynamically participate by wearing the uniforms out, into the desert. If they survive for one day and one night unscathed, the uniforms are obviously functioning as they are meant to. If they don't survive it will be apparent the uniforms need some work. And the Air Force can finally have a reason to like the new design."

Dan of Pragmatic Conservatism: "Official surrenderers and retreators. If any American unit gets in trouble, French military reserves will be called upon to immediately surrender in place of American troops. There is no need fighting what comes naturally to the French, losing."

Shiny new Alliance member dgci of Democrats Give Conservatives Indigestion: "In keeping with the Islamic religion, which forbids the drinking of alcohol, we propose allowing France into Iraq to open downtown Baghdad's first Cheese 'n Whine™ shop, with the goal of franchising Cheese 'n Whine™ all across the nation."

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks: "Introduce the Iraqi people to the joys of Mime Skeet."

Charming Alliance HQ Hostess Susie of Practical Penumbra: "latrine cleaner (after all, they won't notice the smell)"

Debbye of Being American in T.O.: "I'm sticking with "Don't let them in Iraq at all." They can, if they wish to do something useful, come here [Toronto] and help with snow removal."

Harvey (that's me) of Bad Money: [part of a conversation between a Sergeant and a Private tasked with carrying out Operation Useful Frenchman]

Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others.

Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice?

Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad…

Sgt: What happened?

Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol' Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first. Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy.

Mercenary Sniper J of Quibbles & Bits: "What's a war zone without cheap whores? Send in the French!"

and Innocent Civilian uruloki of Uruloki's Lair: "In order to promote diplomacy, they can provide gallons of smelly french perfume to cover up the camel smell that they seem to object to. That is why the UN got out wasn't it? Just too smelly for them?"

That should keep 'em busy for a while. All we have to worry about now is how we're going to get that foul stench out of the sand after they cut & run.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

If I missed your entry, or if you find a typo or broken link, leave a comment or e-mail me at harvolson@charter.net